Rumbling at the bones
Sit there with the rumbling. Maybe grit your teeth to keep still.
Original publication link: Rumbling at the bones
Sometimes I can feel it, that rumbling at the bones. Something coming loose. Surfacing.
Then it’s a little scary, isn’t it?
What’s coming loose? What am I about to face?
Almost immediately, the desire to numb myself starts yammering. Distract, tune out. Find something shiny. Drink, smoke, sleep. Find a crisis to solve. Focus outward, find a reason to be angry (an easy task). Anything but this unknown.
Being numb doesn’t stop the rumbling, though. It covers it up. Might slow it down.
There are benefits to being numb. Being numb lets me face whatever it is with less sensitivity. Sensitivity is a gift but it often feels like a curse.
Being numb costs something, too. The price is awareness.
To be aware is to gain clarity. Sometimes I get to see new options. Most of the time I get to see old shit I’ve been ignoring. I still hoard my emotions too long, stockpile them like survival gear, keep everything humming beneath 17 layers of analysis and self-preserving calm. It’s a reflex. I don’t know if I can unlearn it, entirely, but I am learning to put some…
